Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Lawyers are Really smart
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Laughing is Contagious
If you can listen to this and not laugh, something is wrong with you.
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf
Friday, February 16, 2007
Happy Friday
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"
Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, You need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is LAW! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After inner, I will watch the sporting event of my choice and you will not interrupt. During commerical or half time breaks you will bring me an ice-cold beer. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a ath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to shower me, dress me, comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
"YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE"
Inspired, he stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, You need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is LAW! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After inner, I will watch the sporting event of my choice and you will not interrupt. During commerical or half time breaks you will bring me an ice-cold beer. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a ath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to shower me, dress me, comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
warming up
Here is dad after 3 hours of shoveling our new 17 inches of snow..! of course the path to the hot tub was the first thing dug out!
My Favorite
I just wanted to make sure that you all knew that Scott was my favorite in-law.
have a good day.
have a good day.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Championships of the world
I havent been on in a while and just wanted to congratulate Dad on winning the Superbowl championship of the world. He did so rather humbly, I might add, we only had to hear him cheering for a fumble by either team on every play for the last 11 minutes of the game so no one else would score.
I also noticed that no one has congratulated me on my wins. So I will tell everyone not present, and remind those that were present that I am the reigning champion of the world in Darts, singles ping-pong, and mixed doubles ping pong.
I also noticed that no one has congratulated me on my wins. So I will tell everyone not present, and remind those that were present that I am the reigning champion of the world in Darts, singles ping-pong, and mixed doubles ping pong.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Good Luck Curtie!!!
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Friday, February 9, 2007
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Monday, February 5, 2007
In Honor of Old People Winning Football Contests
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "Its fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "Its fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
Are you cold?
Hey all of you in the -°s, you're welcome to come visit us in the sunshine, our high today is 78°
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Cruise Shit
This is one of my favorite pictures from the cruise. At first glance this picture looks like Ruby is laughing with me.. really she is laughing at me. If you look close I have POOP on my forehead!! Cleverly hidden in the goggle line across my head is a little dab of Ruby-Doo.. enjoy -Bug
We're Here!!
Here is a picture of Curtis and I in front of our very first Christmas Tree in our little apartment! And Yes, I did make him pose for the picture. We finally figured out how to get on this blogger.. Keep posting!! :-) -Shayla- (Go BLUE)